[But the feel of Josh's hand on his own makes him remember what it was like to hold Hikaru Shinta's face between his just hours ago, to be close enough to feel the warmth of the younger man's breath on his face as if he wasn't dead, as if they were still both alive, as if they were still both something, not nothing, that he could still...
"Please. You can't go on like this."
...then later, when he had crushed those wrists, gripped them tight with his own two hands. Later, when he had covered those lips with his own, trying to channel everything he wanted to say - wanted to do - in a bruising kiss.
The memory hurt, like a gunshot or a cut from a blade. It hurt as much as he had wanted to hurt him.
And still, he had taken all of it. He hadn't moved away, had only opened his eyes and looked at Makoto when it was finished.
"You have to let me go."]
I'm not okay. I can't. I can't.
[He isn't even sure what he's referring to for himself, really. Can't what? Can't possibly be alright? Can't control himself? Can't do this? Can't ever have the one thing - one person - he's ever wanted?]
no subject
[But the feel of Josh's hand on his own makes him remember what it was like to hold Hikaru Shinta's face between his just hours ago, to be close enough to feel the warmth of the younger man's breath on his face as if he wasn't dead, as if they were still both alive, as if they were still both something, not nothing, that he could still...
"Please. You can't go on like this."
...then later, when he had crushed those wrists, gripped them tight with his own two hands. Later, when he had covered those lips with his own, trying to channel everything he wanted to say - wanted to do - in a bruising kiss.
The memory hurt, like a gunshot or a cut from a blade. It hurt as much as he had wanted to hurt him.
And still, he had taken all of it. He hadn't moved away, had only opened his eyes and looked at Makoto when it was finished.
"You have to let me go."]
I'm not okay. I can't. I can't.
[He isn't even sure what he's referring to for himself, really. Can't what? Can't possibly be alright? Can't control himself? Can't do this? Can't ever have the one thing - one person - he's ever wanted?]